Throw Momma From the Stage

“Throwing Momma"
May 9, 2009 (version 1)

CAST
Momma – 70s
Heather – 40s
Special Power Man-40s

(A living room)

MOMMA
Dancing with the Stars is about to start!

HEATHER
I hate Dancing with the Stars, Momma! I’m going to a party!

MOMMA
A PARTY?! I’ll be darned. You were invited to a party?

HEATHER
Yes, Momma! Me! I was invited to a party! Why is that so hard to believe? It’s a jewelry party!

MOMMA
Sweetie, that’s not a party, they just want your money.

HEATHER
Momma, shut up!! Why do you do this to me?!

MOMMA
Because I love you, and I don’t want to see you get hurt.

(A LOUD THUNDERING SOUND cuts Momma off. SPECIAL POWER MAN squeezes through an open at stage left. He experiences difficulty. He wears a diaper, flip-flops.)

SPECIAL POWER MAN
Ladies! ladies!! Don’t freak out. I’m legit, kay.

HEATHER
But..? You… you…. just broke our window!

MOMMA
And… and…. dancing with the stars… it’s ah, going to start… who…. Who are you? Why are you wearing a diaper?

SPECIAL POWER MAN
It’s not a diaper, kay? It’s a Serenity pad that happens to wrap around my hips and covers my anal area in the RARE event of unplanned bowel leakage. I had the night off, it’s like the Eve of Mother’s Day, you know, a HOLY holiday between mothers and daughters?? I was at the hostel and then I heard you talking to your innocent daughter---

HEATHER
Talking? You could hear us talking?

SPECIAL POWER MAN
For once- just once- I want to be one of those super heroes that can swoop right in, and get busy. Have you ever heard of a superhero that has to explain himself?

MOMMA
No… What are you doing, besides breaking my window??!

SPECIAL POWER MAN
I am SO sick of constantly re-branding and EXPLAINING!

(in a bored tone, holding his hand out for a shake, but looking exasperated with the whole meet n greet process)

Hi there. I am SPECIAL POWER MAN and my special power is to throw mean mommas from the stage.

HEATHER
Really? But MY momma isn’t mean, special power man, she says mean stuff sometimes, but she just tries to help!

SPECIAL POWER MAN
Ah, Christ all mighty with a boocockee on top! You’re one of THOSE. You’re so far into the verbally abusive cycle with your momma that you don’t even know what she’s doing to you, which means not only am I working on a Saturday night but you’re so brainwashed that you won’t even appreciate my special power, which makes my life even more meaningless than it already is! How old are ya?

HEATHER
41!

SPECIAL POWER MAN
Classic! And I see you’re still living with your momma?

HEATHER
Well, it’s not what you think! I need her. She helps me, I… I have a condition, special power man!

SPECIAL POWER MAN
A condition? Let me guess! Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Back Trouble, Asthma? These mommas, I’ve seen it all…

HEATHER
I don’t like what you’re implying. And yes, I do have Irritable Bowel Syndrome!

SPECIAL POWER MAN
I knew it! And, a cat as well?

HEATHER
No… no… no… … she passed away! (sobs)

MOMMA
Look, yer makin my baby cry, mister! And, just for the record I’m not getting that dumb bitch a new cat. She don’t deserve it! Ungrateful wench always wanting to go to the cat shelter whenever the Oprah show comes on, too!

SPECIAL POWER MAN
(SPM springs to action, grabs momma in a bear hug behind chest and starts trying to drag her to the edge of stage)

MOMMA
Git your hands off me! Heather, help your momma! Heather, you little goddamned bitch, I knew I should’ve vacuumed you outta my uterus when I had the chance. Will you please get this filthy man’s hands off of me???

HEATHER
Momma…. Momma! Why you saying you wish you never had me ? I’m sick of hearing that! You make me so sad to be born!

SPECIAL POWER MAN
Get it out baby, just keep talking! This is good! Healthy! You tell her! Let me keep pulling on this heifer, we’ll get her to the edge of this stage and throw her off in no time!

MOMMA
Git offa me, ya hear! Stop pulling on me! Heather, why aren’t you helping your momma? Tomorrow is mother’s day!

HEATHER
What does mother’s day mean when you tell me I wish I had never been born?

MOMMA
I was just joking!!!!

SPECIAL POWER MAN
Hey, we’re getting there! I’m 16 feet from the stage, just a few more feet, I see it coming… I see the light….

HEATHER
Uh….uh… uh… I don’t know, I have such mixed feelings. You just kind of came out of nowhere. What if I’m not prepared? It’s so soon… I didn’t even realize that there were superheroes like you out there, that can do this kind of thing. My momma isn’t so bad---
MOMMA
Damn you!! Heeelllllllp!!! I’m falling!! Help! Bitch! Heather! Bitch! Haeatttttttthe……

(Mommas voice trails. She disappears. Heather dries her tears, and looks around cautiously.)

HEATHER
Oh my god, Special Power Man!!! I feel so Freeeee. I’ve been born again. WOW! I owe you! My life! OUR life! Are we going to live together forever and ever? Are you going to marry me? I hope I’m not being too… forward??

SPECIAL POWER MAN
(consolingly hugs her, kisses her on the forehead)
This is the worst part of my job, Sweetness. I can eradicate mean mommas everywhere, that’s easier than finding a good woman that wants to star in a boococke scene over in the superhero locker room over at the hostel, but dealing with all the beautiful, and broken daughters left behind is something entirely different. Even a superhero like me doesn’t have the power to help the likes of you.
(SPM looks at his watch)
Say, don’t you have a jewelry party that you have to be at?

HEATHER
Yeah… But.. but I thought… when you came in through that window… I assumed… I …. Are you… are you trying to tell me that now after all this…. after you threw my momma from this stage I am going to be all alone? Alone?

SPECIAL PM
Listen, sweetness, you’re only as alone as you feel in that cute little noggin of yours. There’s a Tennessee Williams playwright festival down in Joliet. I need to go there, toss some vicious mommas from the stages. It shouldn’t take long. If I don’t end up shacking up with any of their daughters I’ll be back in no time to take ya from behind, maybe give you a little HPV, how does that sound?

HEATHER
Oh, Special Power Man, that would be great! Thanks so much! What you just did for me was pretty amazing. If you don’t ever come back that’s totally okay, too. I couldn’t expect somebody so amazing to ever want to be with me.
(a cackling, ghostly sound shakess the stage)
Wh… what was that… it sounded like MOMMA? Her voice? (more cackling)
Where is she??? I thought she was gone forever!!

SPECIAL POWER MAN
Et.. it’s not always foul proof, what I do. Sometimes there’s an unusually resilient momma that wants to stay a bit while longer, linger forever. Is your momma Jewish?

HEATHER
How dare you say that! What are you implying?!

SPECIAL POWER MAN
Hey now! I like the Jews myself. Jewish women are the best lovers. Once you go Jap you never go back. Your momma might be trapped inside of Sheoul.

HEATHER
Sheoul? Isn’t that like a Holocaust special?

SPECIAL POWER MAN
Mo, that’s ShoAH. Shoeul is the Hebrew underworld, and it’s like a state of limbo. I reckon your momma is stuck in Sheoul, and you’ll have to hear her ghost snicker every time you say something bad about yourself, so if I were you I wouldn’t say anything bad about yourself.

HEATHER
But that’s impossible, Special Power Man!

SPECIAL POWER MAN
Well that’s your problem now! I’m sorry. The Tennessee Williams reception starts at 7 pm. I’ve got to scramble.

HEATHER
I hate you, special power man!

SPECIAL POWER MAN
Hey now (he points to something on the stage flying around) You’d better look up, Sweetness, looks like your momma’s checkbook. Take it to the jewelry party!

HEATHER
Really? Where?

SPECIAL POWER MAN
Better grab it! You want to impress those girls at the jewelry party, maybe buy a little something so they’ll invite you back to other parties?

HEATHER
Uh, yeah, yes….. Ahh… yes, I do want to impress them!

(she makes a motion to and jump and catch the checkbook, but it is just out of reach, and the sobs are wracking her body. Heather reaches and jumps, yet the checkbook is too high. SPECIAL POWER MAN disappears)

(Blackout)