Dear Jared,
So, I went to Walgreen's in search of a new "Wow! It's $2" pleather 2010 planner like the one I made great use of this past year, and much to my dismay the planner did not appear to be on the shelf. The helpful associate in the blue vest-- the same color as our people's Star of David-- was not sure if they would be receiving any Wow$2 planners this year. Hmmph!
I did, however, come across many varieties of caramel corn and low carb cheese straws that I will purchase for a New Year's Eve gathering I am planning for myself and my cat who I've never told you about.
My cat is a big part of my life, Jared. If you are allergic to him I am afraid that it's even more over than it's already over, if you get my drift! ;)
Because I could not find the planner of my preference, yet still felt an urge to purchase something- anything!- I lingered over the magazine rack, or glossies as I like to call them. What a treat!
A handsome gentleman named Ben Bernanke was featured on the cover of Time magazine, and I just had to purchase this exciting magazine I don't typically read. As I am on break from my home based business I figured now is as good as a time as any to brush up on pop culture knowledge as well as the American economy which I now understand this Ben plays a key role in because he is what's called our country's "Federal Reserve Chairman."
Though by now from all my letters and the fact I support the International Hello Kitty brand you can discern I am a worldly intellectual woman, the gosh honest 100% truth is that I don't do much reading on what's going on in America, in part because every time I do I plummet into a deep depression. It's better to just think of America as a place where a handsome yet morbidy obese man like you can lose hundreds of pounds on a Subway diet and then become a worldwide celebrity as a result of promoting such a diet to others who are also facing similar challenges, right?
While I wish the whole experience of reading all about Ben had enlightened me, I am afraid that I became overwhelmed by the number of pages in Time magazine devoted to pharmaceutical advertising. It made me wonder how much of our economy is dependent on our citizen's ability to take as many of these little pills as possible?
There were 177 pages in Time. Thirty-eight of those pages were devoted to ads from drug companies, which means that over 20% of this magazine was hawking little blue pills and cholesterol pills and diet pills, and weight loss belts, and dry eye drops, and bipolar meds, and lots lots more!
The inside cover, i.e. on the other side of sweet Ben's Person of the Year Cover page face, was the face of a very sad woman, a woman suffering from bipolar depression which I understand from the ad's copywriter can be quite consuming! I also understand that per the National Institute of Mental Health about 2.3 million Americans, or just 1.2% of our population suffers from the bipolar illness. I am sure Jared that you will agree with me that speaking to that 1.2% of Americans is worthy of an inside cover placement?
Following the inside cover ad promoting Seroquel XR were four pages of finely printed side affects. I won't bore you with all the side affects. All I needed to know was that sometimes I feel just like that sad actress pictured in the ad, consumed by depression, and that I should call my pharmacologist pronto!
After calling my pharmacologist I realized after reading pages 12, 13, AND 14 that I should also try CHANTEX, because I do not need to be smoking at all, nicotine or herbal or otherwise. Chantex will help me quit!
There was maybe a story about something happening in America, but I quickly forgot whatever it said by the time I got to pages 18 and 19. Screw Subway and regular exercise, and my Hula Hooping and walking each day for my home based business, what I really need to get my figure down to a respectable size 14 is a LAP-BAND! The lap-bad adjustable belt eliminates the need for gastric bypass surgery, and I can remove it at any time if I just want to eat a box or two of Fannie May mint melt-aways without risking gastrointestinal failure.
Just as I was convinced Chantex would help me stop smoking I saw an ad for Nicorette gum on page 31 which is over the counter and maybe cheaper than Chantex? Would there be any adverse reactions if I tried both?
On page 37 I came to the conclusion that it's possible I am NOT bipolar, and really just suffering from garden variety depression, and in that case I am a better candidate for Ablify than Seroquel.
On page 55, right around the time I started to choke on a low-carb cheese straw, I noticed that Symbiocort might be better for treating my ex cubicle mate's asthma, so I tucked that ad into a little Christmas card and suggested that he try Symbicort in addition to that germ infested inhaler I used to find inside his desk drawer when I went through it searching for potato chips and laffy taffy.
Though Dancing with the Stars was about to come on TV, I was distracted by pages 63-65 because I learned of Ambien, and its ability to help me sleep better at night!
On page 77 I read about a cure for migraines. This one was really smart, and instead of looking like an ad, it seemed more like a public service message and instructed me to stop watching Dancing with the Stars and to visit lowerthepain.com
On page 94 and 95 I thought of my deceased great aunt who suffered greatly from Osteoporosis. maybe if she took Evista she could have avoided that bowling ball sized calcium deposit just below her neck that is sure to be Aly Louise Hensler's destiny as well? Mental note: Take Evista, Aly!
On page 105 I learned that if my eyesight is blurry I could be going blind! I should visit a web site to learn more about early detection!
On pages 107 and 108 I learned all about Plavix. Per the ad, many heart attacks are caused due to clogged and blocked arteries. Hmm, perhaps if Plavix had been around in 1990 when my father who had clogged arteries suffered a heart attack and died at age 49 behind the wheel of our minivan he would still be alive today? Do you think that's true, Jared, or am I just being naive? How does medical technology interfere with the natural course of our lives? Had my father of taken Plavix and been alive today as a result would I be a drastically different woman than the one that is writing to you right now?
On page 118 I found a nice solution to my heartburn. I should continue topping off all of my Subway sandwiches with both jalapeno AND banana peppers, and as long as I remember to take Prevacid I should be all good!
124 was just a lameass reminder that Aleve is still there for all those menstruel cramps. Aleve, it's so 1990s and so over the counter and LAME.
On page 136 and 137 I learned what shingles are. Frankly I always though they were something you put on roofs, but due to a handy image that almost made me want to barf up the entire package of cheese straws that I had consumed up until page 136 I saw that shingles are a skin condition and that Zostavox will help stop the pain caused by shingles.
On page 145 I came to the conclusion that I need $20! The manufacturers of Restasis which will help me cry again and sob better into my pillow would like to offer a $20 rebate if I get a Restasis prescription filled, and all I have to do is mail them a receipt indicating I am now crying better and producing natural tears with the help of Restatsis, and in approx. eight weeks a check for $20 will come to my mailbox. It's not exactly like Ed Mcmahon showing up at my door, or even you Jared with a ring to place upon my left ring finger indicating I will forever be Mrs. Jared Fogle and you will help me open impossibly tight lids atop jars of olives and spaghetti sauce but it is close to that!
On page 147 I was reminded of Nutrisystem, so 1990s just like Aleve! Survey says, old Mc Donald had a drug, and LAMO-O was its name-0! Bring me a LAP-BAND ASAP! I almost laughed my bipolar manic in need of toning or just liposuction ass off when I saw the Nutrisystem advertisement, what a blast from the past and as cheesy as my deceased grandmother's Take Off Pounds Sensibly (TOPS) diet and exercise club.
By page 158-160 I was just about ready to give up on reading Time magazine because I needed to list all the drugs I am soon to be taking and make sure that I have it accurate so when I show my pharmacologist he can be aware of any possible side affects or interactions. It was then that I came across information on ADVAIR for reducing symptoms of asthma, yet I had already sealed and tucked the other ad into the card for my ex cubible mate, so I was confused and growing sad and indecisive. I wondered why no one had taken the time to include Paxil or Ritalin into the 177 pages of Time magazine, because the confusion I was experiencing over figuring out if Advair or Symbiocort would be better for asthma made me feel helpless and in need of a different kind of pill.
On pages 168, 169, and 170 I realized that my long deceased father should have been on Crestor and not Plavix. Plus, I like the name Crestor better, don't you Jared?!
By page 177 I needed a bit of a pick-me-up. I saw an ad on the inside back cover for the most perfect drug of all: caffeine, courtesy of Starbucks.
Well, Jared, that's it for now. I will be excited to return back to my home based business next week! I've had more than enough of this staycation craziness and will never read a magazine about America again until maybe the end of 2010. It's too confusing!
Warmest Regards, Best Wishes for a Prosperous & Healthy New Year,
Aly
P.S. Per the side affect page for Restasis it said a "foreign body sensation" is possible. Would you like to take Restasis with me Jared, and we can see if we are able to achieve a FBS? If FBS doesn't occur we can at least comfort ourselves eight weeks later with $20 to be spent on flatbread sandwiches at my local Subway? Let me know. Thanks!
P.P.S. Jared, I am not kidding when I say that the quote I chose to include in my high school graduating class of 1993 yearbook was from none other than Zelda Fitzgerald, who said, "We grew up founding our dreams on the infinite promise of American advertising. I still believe that one can learn to play piano by mail and that mud will give you a perfect complexion."
P.P.P.S- What happened to pianos and mud? And America? Not a single one of these featured drug names made it through my spellcheck! Perhaps Microsoft should add a Western medicine language dictionary?
