Determining whether a man is an asshole, douche, or tool is an important skill.
Why? Well, the world is not pretty, nor are the men populating it… A gal needs a field guide to make sense of the myriad of personalities swarming within virtual, and real dating cesspools.
Before I get into detail, and scant at that, please note that not all men are assholes, douches, and tools, it’s just that I've encountered enough of them that it makes sense to get it down on paper, if only to try and make sense of them all. As if!
Following are a few examples, not based on anyone in particular, so stop assuming, please. Some men, the truly elite, are a combination of asshole, douche, and tool *all* the time, while others exhibit certain ADT characteristics based on influencing factors like job and life stress, and having not eaten all day, though those are never excuses for behavior, just mitigating factors.
An asshole…… is a man that won't wipe the snow off your car, but will sit calmly in the passenger seat as it warms up, and as you strain your back to wipe his vision clear so he can scout out other chicks snot will freeze to your chin. An asshole will also exhibit pronoun changing behaviors, as in “I live in the West Loop,” and not “We,” as in “we,” my girlfriend of 17 years and I just bought a place in the West Loop. An asshole, of course, will prefer text messaging as his primary source of communication, and he will screen calls from his mother.
A douche* ….. Is a man that will tell you only after he's kissed you that he has a wife. A douche would never do anything as conventional as wear a wedding ring, and when you ask him why he did not tell you he was married, he will tell you that you never asked. A douche will also join online dating sites with a fake name, and tell you that he does not want anyone he knows to see his photo, without mentioning that the anyone he knows might be someone he stood in front of 175 family, friends, and acquaintances, and pledged to love forever, and ever, or at least until he opened up an anonymous dating account.
A Tool….. is a former nerd from high school. He's gifted with words and conversation, and when it comes to online dating he is like a kid in a candy store. He's never felt so popular, and at the age of 30 experiences a renaissance where he can finally be the player he never thought he had it in himself to be. He will use his ladies like therapists a la Woody Allen, and beat them down with hours of conversation mainly about himself. He will playfully, and wittily IM into the early hours of the morning with women he has reconnected with via stalker-ish searches on Classmates, Facebook, and Myspace, and once within the throes of a relationship his smaller than average 'tool kit' will require much verbal coaxing, all of which will be reversed the moment you accidentally, foolishly, and regrettably inquire, “Is it in?”
** In regards to the word "douche." I've personally never been a fan of this word, especially when followed by its companion, "bag," yet numerous studies have shown women that douching is *not* good for the body. It messes up natural chemistry and causes infections, thus douching truly is a toxic process, and well, just like Oprah says there are toxic people in everyone's life. Like guys that are douche bags.
And then there's Idiots!!! These are women that forgo all the nice guys because they just aren’t attracted to them like they are to the assholes of the world. Though, with age, and experience, even an idiot can learn that she deserves much more than an asshole, douche, or tool. An idiot is also a woman that will ask the man painting the apartment she just moved out of if he'd mind posing, and pretending to be a machismo, dork, and meanie because illustrations would be nice to include on a "writing project."
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