Excuses

In the tradition of only making fun of myself, and exaggerating everything to appear even more vain, and self-absorbed (the assignment was to write a sketch about a moral transgression, like vanity or sloth) than I already am, here goes:

“Excuses"
(version 1)

CAST
Hammy – 30s
Heather – 30s

(A classroom)

HAMMY
I’m sorry, I don’t have my homework this week.

HEATHER
You didn’t have it last week, either.

HAMMY
What should I do?

HEATHER
What do you think you should do?

HAMMY
I don’t know. I’m asking you!

HEATHER
It’s a comedy writing class.

HAMMY
I need structure.

HEATHER
Excuse me?

HAMMY
A routine! I’m not in any clubs, and I don’t have a job to go to, or anywhere to be, so this is healthy … It’s almost better when I don’t do my homework because I can listen to everyone else's, and feel better about myself because I know if I had done mine, it would be funnier than theirs.

HEATHER
That’s not funny. Or true.

HAMMY
Do you want to know the truth?

HEATHER
Do I have a choice?

HAMMY
All week long I thought about the homework. I thought about it WAY more than every single person in this class.

HEATHER
Thinking is not doing.

HAMMY
It was an inner conflict – over the homework. Not whether or not to do it, but why am I lacking the ability to do it when I have nothing but time on my side. I lost my job.

HEATHER
I know. You talk about it every week. And, when you do write a sketch it’s usually about not having a job, or a job interview, or the day you got laid off which you’ve replayed a bunch of times, both in sketches, and in monologues, so yeah we know.

HAMMY
I write about what I know!

HEATHER
It’s a pretty narrow world!

HAMMY
Are you trying to get me to quit?

HEATHER
No!

HAMMY
Because you have levels here, it’s like Scientology.

HEATHER
Do you think you’re the first one to have noticed that?

HAMMY
I want to come back, really, I do! I swear it’s good for me, and it keeps me from annoying everyone I know. I even had to create a new alter ego and give her her own blog because I felt like I was being too self absorbed for one person. That’s one of the things I was doing when I wasn’t doing my homework.

HEATHER
Are you…..uh….okay?

HAMMY
I think so. I hope so. I really, really hope so, because I don’t want to be crazy. Does it mean I’m crazy if I keep replaying the same thing again and again inside my head?

HEATHER
It depends. What are you “replaying?”

HAMMY
You. Your words! It’s something that you said last week.

HEATHER
What did I say?

HAMMY
You said, “If you’re going to be any sort of writer at all, you have to master inner conflict.”

HEATHER
It’s true.

HAMMY
You said in a mean tone, like a football coach! I have no inner conflicts, or if I do I haven’t “mastered” them, or the art of being your own worst enemy like Seinfeld and Larry David. You act like they both are demigods but they are really just extremely tortured people, and I’m guessing very sad on the inside.

HEATHER
But they’re geniuses. Seinfeld, and Larry David have no morals yet ironically they have some of the most extreme inner conflicts, so that’s something to think about as you think about not doing the homework assignments.

HAMMY
I do think about that. But I cannot watch Larry David. It’s painful. I think for some Jewish people watching them is like watching yourself, and I cringe instead of laugh, and I usually have to pee a lot, but that’s just because I have an very small bladder.

HEATHER
The size of a chickpea, yes we know. You’ve discussed that in your sketches, too.

HAMMY
Sorry.

HEATHER
I’m fed up with you, too. I’ve never tried to boot a student from my class, but I might look into it. It sounds like you might have inner conflict over this class. Could it have been sloth that kept you from doing this moral transgression assignment?

HAMMY
Sloth, like lazy? No, I am the least slothy person ever. I lost my job three months ago, but I’ve never once watched Oprah, and I’m usually up by 6:45 a.m., surfing the job boards. I wear make-up at my desk, sometimes business casual. Yesterday I tweezed my eyebrows for my cat, and I put on a bra for the People’s Energy guy when he came to check the meter, even though I had a hoodie on top of my t-shirt. I am so not lazy and non-sloth like that I’ve barely masturbated since I lost my job, and that’s not like me at all. Is that weird?

HEATHER
It’s weird you’re telling me this.

HAMMY
I’m sorry. Well I don’t know what this is. A rut? Writer’s block? It’s so cliché, isn’t it? Don’t you have to be a real writer to have writer’s block, though?

HEATHER
It can happen to anyone. Maybe your moral transgression is vanity.

HAMMY
Vanity? Me?

HEATHER
Maybe you care too much about whether or not what you write is funny and that makes you vain.

HAMMY
But, vanity implies self-love? If I didn’t hate blood so much I probably would have become a cutter years ago.

HEATHER
So, what is it? Why can’t you do the homework? Or, why don’t you at least attempt to step outside of yourself?

HAMMY
Step outside of myself? Like float, and look at myself from above, an aerial view, spying on myself, like a sniper?!

HEATHER
No!!! By stepping outside of yourself I mean looking at SOMETHING else, someone else, ANYONE else, take a bus, sit on a bench. OBSERVE people, but STOP LOOKING AT YOURSELF!

HAMMY
Jeez!! It’s almost like you’re accusing me of being an egomaniac, only writing about me, me, me, me, me!

HEATHER
I’m not accusing you of anything! I’m trying to help you.

HAMMY
Help me? You mean help me, as in help me to be funny? Isn’t that something you have, or you don’t, like HPV? How can you teach anyone to be funny? Isn’t that a tall order?

HEATHER
No, it isn’t. I can introduce you to tools, and principles of comedy, and basic themes, but it’s up to you to take it to the next level…AND to actually do your homework, and try to implement what I’m teaching you into your writings.

HAMMY
That makes sense, the way you said it.

HEATHER
Does that mean you’ll start doing your homework?

HAMMY
I’m going to think about it. I’m already thinking about thinking about next week’s homework.

HEATHER
Great. During break you can register for Level 3 in the office. You get $10 off if you pre-register.

HAMMY
What if I can’t afford it? Do you want to crush the soul of a single, unemployed person with chronic back pain who no longer has the desire to masturbate or do anything with any regularity except come here once each week?

HEATHER
We’re not a non-profit organization.

HAMMY
I’ll call my mom. She believes in me. And, she’s opted to get social security one year earlier, so I think if she starts taking half her arthritis pills instead of the full ones she can find a way to afford this class.

HEATHER
Guilting isn’t a moral transgression. It’s a comic ploy. We’re discussing that next.

HAMMY
Sweet.

Blackout