I heard on CNN yesterday that coinsurance is around the corner. The new buzz word for 2010, it means that employees will now have to pay for more of their insurance costs, and up to 50% of an office visit's cost, rather than the traditional flat-rate co-pay, thus if a procedure at an office is three, or four hundred dollars an office visit could cost considerably more than a fixed rate $10 or $15 co-pay.
“Downward Dog"
Oct. 24th, 2009 (version 2)
CAST
Sara, Claims Adjustment Team Lead, 40s
Heather, team member, 20s
Jim, team member, 30s
Jen, team member, 20s
Brian, team member, 20s
Becky, New Team Member, 30s
(A conference room. Sara stands at center)
SARA
Last quarter we reduced our customer’s employee-initiated health insurance claims by 11.2%. That makes me…
(Drawing a large circle in the air)
HEATHER, JIM, JEN, BRIAN
Happy!
SARA
Exactly! I couldn’t have done it without the best team in Eon insurance history. What position are we in, folks?
HEATHER
Lotus?
SARA
No!
JIM
Downward dog?
SARA
No!
JEN
Scissors
BRIAN
Mai Chai?
SARA
Yes! Brian! Mai Chai! That’s what I’m talking about. Mai Chai is a reflection of the whole body, and entire being. It embodies the chi we felt as a unified team.
HEATHER
Yay, team!
SARA
Stop sucking up!
HEATHER
Mai Chai embodies the chi we will continue to experience as we address federally mandated co-insurance in 2010, which will require us to be healthy in order to be fully covered by Eon’s employee provided insurance plan. No more cream-based chicken and dumplings in the vending machines! No more smoking, even if it its 500-ft from the building! No more holding your BlueTooth too close to your ear, you will get cancer! No more sleeping around!
HEATHER
Sleeping…….you mean in case people at Eon have STDs, they won’t be covered? What about preexisting conditions?
SARA
What about them? Tough luck, eh? Maybe you should have practiced some tougher love to begin with, taken better care of yourself, done a bit more yoga.
HEATHER
But, I was ra…raped, remember?
SARA
Don’t worry, beginning today, Heather, I am mandating daily yoga for the purpose of creating a healthier team for the purpose of keeping our own insurance claims low. It’s time we practice what we preach, and lower our own claims in addition to those of our customers.
JIM
Is..isn’t that a little extreme? And, you know my little Bud, he had that harelip at birth, and we couldn’t of controlled it. Bud needed surgery!
SARA
Would Bud have needed harelip surgery if you hadn’t of married your third cousin? How do you think harelips occur, Jim, come on? Now shut up, and let’s mai chai! And don’t take your anger out over your mildly retarded son—
JIM
He’s developmentally delayed, Sara
SARA
Whatever you want to call it, Jim. Don’t take your anger out on me. Take it out on your body! Ok, everyone, stretch high, stretch lean. Reeeeeeeaaaaaach!
(Everyone stand, kicks chairs out, and does a perfect Mai Chai poise, standing on tippy toes, arms high, face to the ceiling, except for BECKY, whom looks on w/ trepidation All stand and reach high with their hands)
So here we are, reaching tall, like tall tall reeds in a river. Are we safe?
JEN
Yes!
SARA
No!
BRIAN
Why aren’t we safe?
SARA
There is a crocodile.
JEN
Oh my gosh, where?!
SARA
It’s not a real crocodile, you idiot! It’s a metaphor. But, what is it a metaphor for?
BRIAN
“ObamaCARE!”
HEATHER, JIM, JEN, BRIAN
ObamaCARE…. BOOOOOOO… BOOOO… BOOOO!
SARA
Yes, Booo, boo, boo, and POO POO on ObamaCARE. It IS a crocodile, and it’s threatening our peace! The corporations we serve need OBAMACare like a hole to their heads! Let’s do this pose, people. Breathe in, breathe out. Feel it!! Live it! Breathe it! Give me Mai Chai!
(Sara looks over at BECKY)
Very good! Very good! Becky, feel free to join us!
BECKY
Thanks, I’m excited to join your team, to be here. I didn’t know yoga was involved. We didn’t do this at my last job.
SARA
Last job, last schmob! It’s like saying you had tator tots at your old cafeteria, and why do you guys only have crinkle cut fries here? Who cares, complex carbs are bad for you either way! No obese employees at EON!
BECKY
I…I don’t like potatoes. Well, I do, but they are so unhealthy. Starchy.
SARA
Starchy, exactly! And let’s say you did like potatoes, and you liked them a lot, and you ate potatoes with every meal.
BECKY
But.. I don’t.
SARA
It’s a case study! If you ate potatoes all the time you would need to exercise more, do more yoga, keep EON’s cost of covering you low. But don’t get too cozy! Yoga is all about being flexible, dealing with changes, and team, I feel something interrupting our pose!
BRIAN
Lunch?
SARA
No!
JEN
Our self evaluations, due by COB? How many more of these meetings are we going to have—--?
SARA
---Shhh!!! Back to mai chai! Do not let paperwork block your chi, Jen!! I feel a shadow on our mai chai. It has to do with the subsidized COBRA stimulus. What kind of position is COBRA putting Eon’s corporate clients into?
JIM
Downward dog?
SARA
Yes! Yes! Yes! Thank you, Jim! I knew I hired you for a reason! Downward Dog it is. Let’s do this!
(SARA moves from a Mai Chai to downward dog position, on the floor, kneeling. Though kneeling toward stage, she pulls her head up like a turtle and speaks loudly)
Our clients are in a bind. They are backed in a corner. They are being fucked from behind by an elephant dick. That elephant is not an elephant. Can anyone tell me what it is?
HEATHER
A chimpanzee?
SARA
No!
HEATHER
A dog?
SARA
No!
BRIAN
A ferret?
SARA
No!
JIM
A donkey?
SARA
Yes, yes, yes! It is a donkey, and it’s blue! Our nation’s Democratic Socialistic Blue Donkey Machine is at fault.
JEN
Exelon will survive! Exelon will fight!
SARA
Yes, we will fight for Exelon! Without Exelon this claims team would be a fraction of the size it is today.
(to BECKY)
Becky, you’ll learn soon enough, but Exelon is our biggest client. In the coming days I’ll give you some of their less touchy cases, small stuff like Alaskan oil spills.
BECKY
Cool! Thanks, Sara, I can’t wait! I worked on claims adjustments for Shell at my last job!
SARA
Shell, most excellent! Please, no more talk about your last job, you are at EON Insurance now.
BECKY
Yes, yes, sorry, I was just there for 10 years, so it’s-
SARA
Flush it out, Becky, flush it out! You will become whole again. You will be at peace. You will learn that Exelon’s latest oil spill was exaggerated by blue donkey media. The non-operable melanoma their employees are whining about in the stack of claims I’m going to give you is the lamest poo poo we on this team ever saw pass our desks!
HEATHER
It totally is! Poooo! Like poo piled on my desk every day!
SARA
Heather, stop sucking up! If I had a right mind I’d tell you that I hired BECKY to replace you, but that’s not the case. Our team is actually growing, like a….
JIM
Lotus!
SARA
Yes, a lotus! Becky, please assume lotus position! You are one of us now. Welcome!
BECKY
Thanks, Sara! I am so glad to be here, but I’m afraid that I’m not, I’m not flexible? I mean I am mentally, but physically I have never been good with stretching? I can do other types of movement… it’s just yoga isn’t for me.
(There is a shocked silence. The team stares at BECKY. SARA seems hurt, and tries to gain her composure.)
SARA
I see. I…I;m not sure I understand? I’ll be frank with you; I am shocked. You’ve turned my chi upside down.
HEATHER
Mine, too!
SARA
Heather, I swear!
BECKY
I’m sorry, I did not mean to upset your chi.
SARA
I’ll figure it out. May I ask how you managed to get through HR? HR knows what my team is all about. I can’t believe they’d send me somebody not….not flexible.
BECKY
Well, they didn’t really have a choice in HR. I’m skilled in Zumba, which is rhythmic Latin dancing, combined with fluid, worldly beats. It’s frankly kind of irresistible.
(Music like what Becky described begins to play, and the others solely catch on, all moving to music except SARA)
I know I’m just a newbie here, but I don’t believe that workers should be discriminated against if they are overweight, smokers, have overactive bladders, and thyroids, diabetes, cancer, STDs, disabilities, or a million other reasons private insurance companies will drum up to weasel out of fully covering people.
SARA
I’m not sure I get what you’re saying. The healthier employees are, the better it will be for our corporate clients who have the burden of covering them!
JEN
It’s not a burden; it’s a responsibility, Sara.
HEATHER
Yea… Yea, Jen is right, Sara.
JIM
She….she’s got a point. I… I’m with Becky.
SARA
Becky, I think you’re going to have to leave. I know it’s a bit early for an Exit interview with HR, but we need to pencil one into your orientation schedule.
BECKY
I support “ObamaCARE.” It’s the dawn of a new America, and we will not be moved. Like a tree standing by the waterside, we shall not be moved.
(SARA strikes a defensive stance, as her entire team joins BECKY in forming one unified line moving to Zumba rhythms)
HEATHER
(shouting above the music)
SARA, if you want EON to cover your Lithium pills, you’d better join us!
(Blackout)
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