Jared Fogle, I'm Still Here for You in Some Ways!

Dear Jared, 

I guess you never got my note about going to Carmax together?

It's OK, really, I don't mind at this point whether or not you write back , plus the truth is that I couldn't afford a quality used car anymore even if you did fly out from Indianapolis to Chicago to help me select one. 

After my Year 2008 Christmas letter which I deleted shortly after writing, and a few other notes to you including my request for you to accompany me at Carmax, all of which were unreciprocated, I lost my full-time data entry sales position. 

Please don't feel sorry for me, Jared!!!  In the dark of night amid the indoor outdoor carpeting, and a colorful assortment of desk tchotkes collected from some of Aly Louise Hensler's very favorite trade shows, there were these news cell organisms created: translucent winglike structures, and one day I got to work and the cells had become wings, which were attached to my cubicle, and it was Time for Me To Fly.  

I am considering writing a Bestselling Children's classic titled "Time for Me to Fly" based on this experience, and I am hoping maybe you can help me to sell this book when you are touring schools around the country speaking of the importance of eating a healthy diet that includes substituting chips with the hermetically sealed green apples or yogurt, both of which I believe are extremely sound choices and I hope that you had a role in ushering them into the Subway self-serve refrigerator which frankly feels kind of homey every time I look at it when I am away from home and in my local Subway, which isn't as often these days I'm afraid. I've been budgeting and cheating on you with Carl Buddig. Do you know Carl? 

In addition to not frequenting Subway at the frequency of days of yesteryear-- something I could have never predicted!-- I am well aware that I've slacked off on mailing you packages, too! Frankly I don't have as much free time to assemble the packages and notes as I used to, and truth be told I must be relaxed and in the mood and feel confidant and secure about my future in order to produce the pre-driven unmentionables and for whatever reason it just hasn't happened (and it totally is me and not you, Jared, so don't worry!!!!!) 

Another reason I have been to busy to write, and perhaps the main reason, is because I launched my own home-based business! 

And , it's really taken off, I mean I just calculated that I earn about $5.79 per hour on a 35-hour work week.   It's maybe not the big bucks you hear about on banner ads talking about making Big Money on the Internet, but it is something and something is always better than nothing. I think it's been good for my mental health, too! I've even stopped hula hooping in my living room as a result of this home-based business, and I now get all of my exercise from

walking around my neighborhood of Wicker Park Bucktown and chatting up locals. It's certainly not "the Subway diet, which I heard you are slipping from- YIKES!- remember no cheese, no mayo, just like we used to do it back in Indianapolis when we lost all the weight together and you went ahead and contacted Subway HQ and acted like you did it all on your own, without anyone like me by your side-- but I like to call it "the WPB diet," and I've slimmed down considerably with this exercise plan combined with Carl Buddig. 

Though it's None of My Beeswax, I wonder if you've gained a good bit of weight perhaps maybe because your old pal, Aly stopped writing to you? It's OK to admit that!! I know sometimes it helps to have a fan from a far, a stalker who is too exhausted to leave her living room yet nonetheless you can rely on

to send you predriven unmentionables in a plain brown envelope marked with Hello Kitty stickers.  Maybe when that person stops being there as much for you it's easier to just go ahead and eat another sandwich, or maybe top the second sandwich off with a cookie or two or three instead of the apple slices which I'm guessing the children at the junior high assemblies you speak at enjoy very much. I've always loved apples. 

At the risk of not blathering on further, and because I have some work to do on my home-based business, along with cleaning my cat's litter box in advance of an after-party tonight-- yes, I have friends now, Jared!--I would like to let you know that I will always be here for you, in some ways but not in other ways.  While we've never formerly discussed consummating a physical relationship, I've decided to dedicate my life and free time to growing my home based business, and to finding innovative and new ways to sustain myself in 2010 rather than focus on some idealized version of a man like you, a handsome man that is part American icon, part everyday guy trying to make it in this world as a brand ambassador for one of the most difficult franchises to make a living at which is growing quickly in the oil-rich Mideast, a man who is so revered and famous that one day his size 60 pants might even hang inside the Smithsonium museum.  

Really, what was I thinking, that you'd ever consider living happily ever after alongside the likes of an Aly Louise Hensler, who is unemployed save for a thriving home-based business? Would you really have the time to be a good father with your extensive touring schedule, Jared? Did I even ask myself ANY of these important questions before dedicating a portion of my precious free time to thinking about you, and where I could possibly fit into the puzzle that could be our future together? 

I am still here for you, Jared, but not in that way--- no! no! no! no longer in that way. Reality has set in, and I know where I stand.  I should hope that you will take some comfort in the fact that in lieu of broadcasting an Aly Hensler Family Christmas Letter this year across the Internets and then promptly deleting it, I am writing to you instead. I have had many major accomplishments this past year since losing my data entry sales job, including a poem I wrote about calling the unemployment line which was featured in a message board I posted it to, a poem about the loss of Michael Jackson which plummeted me into a deep depression shortly after composing it by the light of a pen flashlight in the bathroom stall of a bar which was featuring the music of MJ all that weekend of his unfortunate death, and so many other highlights that it would simply be impossible to sum them all up in just one year-end recap to you. At the moment I am trying to find out why the Walgreen's Corporation no longer carries the "Wow, just $2" pleather planner that I carried in my purse all this past year and was extremely helpful in keeping me organized. I loved the simplicity of the planner as well as its little plastic pocket on the interior which allowed me to secure many important papers and receipts. 

I am going to write a letter to the Walgreen's Corporation now and dedicate some time to finding this $2 planner again so I can replicate my wild successes of 2009 in 2010. 

Goodbye, Jared, and I will still be here for you in some ways. Remember that, please. 

Warmest Regards, 

Aly Louise Hensler